The Style Invitational
Week 753 Hot Off The Riddle
Saturday, February 16,
2008; C02
What do
you get when you cross an automobile with a household animal?
Wholesome
answer: A carpet!
Style
Invitational answer: In
We
like to reach a broad readership here at The Washington Post: the Neiman Marcus
habitue and the Wal-Mart bargain hunter, the sports fan and the arts
aficionado, the wholesome sane person and the depraved cynical reprobate. In
this spirit we offer this week's contest, suggest by Wholesome Sane Loser Peter
Metrinko of
Winner
gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives,
just in time to be late for Saint Patrick's Day, two fine prizes: brought back
from Ireland by Beverley Sharp, a cute little ceramic ashtray in the shape of a
toilet, decorated with shamrocks and the words "Rest your ash"; and
brought back from Ireland by Wilson Varga of Alexandria, who happened to visit
Loser 4 Ever John O'Byrne in Dublin, a shamrock-theme yo-yo. (John, by the way,
reports that he plans to cross the pond in May simply to attend the Losers'
annual award banquet, the Flushies. Talk about your shamrock-theme yo-yos.)
Other
runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or
yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style
Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by
e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday,
Feb. 25. Put "Week 753" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it
risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number
with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All
entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for
taste or content. Results will be published March 22. No purchase required for
entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not
eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised
title for next week's results is by Dave Prevar; this week's Honorable Mentions
name is by Dave Zarrow.
Report From Week 749, in which we asked you
to come up with entirely new meanings for existing words beginning with A-
through H-, so that "Opus" cartoonist Berkeley Breathed wouldn't have
to use our old ones anymore:
The
Empress received untold zillions of entries for this contest -- so many that
she's spreading the results over this week and next, with two sets of prizes.
Kevin Dopart of
Some
of the results play a little hard to get, as it were: You have to pronounce the
vowels in the word differently or break the syllables differently, or both. For
example, "Headdress: Mister," by (who else) Kevin Dopart, is supposed
to be read "he-address." Entries firmly of this type are italicized.
We also received some very clever descriptions of the words'
actual meanings. Among the best of these was "Head cold: Rheum at the
Top," by Chris Doyle. We'll do that contest again sometime, too.
4.
Book: Ms. Derek, now that she's no longer a 10. (Alistair Beck,
3.
Conning tower: A Madison Avenue skyscraper. (Mel Loftus,
2.
the winner of the "Many Moods of Farrah" doll-head shadow box:
Cremate:
Coffee-Mate's unsuccessful initial brand name. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
And the Winner of the
Inker
Arms
Akimbo: The notorious Nigerian gunrunner. (Peter Metrinko,
Low Def: Honorable
Mentions
Abjectness:
The degree to which your belly protrudes. (Russell Beland,
Adverb:
Buy! (Duncan Seed, Robin Hood's Bay, North Yorkshire, England)
Accordion:
The result of a Honda's collision with a Peterbilt. (Tom Witte, Montgomery
Village)
Alabaster:
How a lesbian couple's baby might be conceived. (Jean Lightner Norum,
Charlottesville)
Algebra:
Lingerie worn by mermaids. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Apostle:
What a Bostonian takes to the post office. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)
Arsenal:
Completely, all-inclusive. (Bird Waring, New York)
Aspiration:
the trickle of sweat that runs down past your back on a hot summer day. (Morris
Davis, Gainesville, a First Offender)
Ballpark:
An athletic supporter. (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand)
Bandage:
Instruments, amps, mikes, cocaine, etc. (Tom Witte)
Bandicoots:
The Rolling Stones. (Gary Hevel, Silver Spring)
Barfly: To get airsick. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
Barstool:
The [stuff] a lawyer tells you. (Russell Beland)
Bassoonist:
An optimistic fisherman. (Russ Taylor, Vienna)
Bedpan:
An unfavorable MySpace review after a hookup. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)
Benchmark:
Telltale sign on the rear end of a third-string player. (David Kleinbard,
Jersey City)
Biceps:
Half of a forceps. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
Binary:
This is another thing that's true of Iran. -- M. Ahmadinejad (Kevin Dopart)
Blunderbuss:
To French-kiss your boss's wife at the office Christmas party. (Roy Ashley,
Washington)
Bombard:
A battlefield poet. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)
Boron:
A chem major at a party. (Kevin Dopart)
Braid:
The part of the male consciousness that drives him to look at a women's chest.
(Russell Beland)
Bristling:
A newly circumcised baby. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)
Bumpkin:
A hit man from the Family. (Beverley Sharp)
Buttonhole:
What Asians call a Western toilet. (Dan Ramish, Vienna)
Camel
toe: The toe of a camel. (Peter Metrinko)
Cardamom:
A bar's policy to flatter middle-aged women by always asking for ID. (Ellen
Raphaeli, Falls Church)
Catapult:
A hairball. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.)
Charmed:
Burn ointment. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis)
Cherish:
Describing many a drag queen. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)
Coliseum:
Lassie finds Timmy. (Ellen Raphaeli)
Crayfish:
Not nearly as impressive as IBM chess. (Kevin Dopart)
Cryptic:
The Triple-A Driving Tour of Famous Cemeteries. (Mel Loftus)
Cupola:
Breast enhancement scams. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
Danger:
Someone who uses only the mildest swear words. (Horace LaBadie, Dunnellon,
Fla.)
Davenport:
A safe place for Jews to pray. (Ira Allen, Bethesda)
Distribute:
A nasty eulogy. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington)
Dowager:
To bet on the Pillsbury Bake-Off. (Phyllis Reinhard)
Eggs
Benedict: The pope's edict on fertility treatments. (Paul Kocak)
Effrontery:
The missionary position. (Tom Witte)
Electrocute:
Use a Hello Kitty taser. (Kevin Dopart)
Electrons:
Supporter of Rep. Paul -- highly charged, with an eccentric orbit. (Ben Aronin,
Washington)
Empty-handed: Punished by a Saudi court. (Chris Doyle)
Exorbitant:
A former astronaut. (Phyllis Reinhard)
Fahrenheit:
Moderately tall. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.)
Fan letter: K. (Chris Doyle)
Flaccid:
Lousy LSD. (Randy Lee, Burke)
Flatus:
The region between the Appalachians and the Rockies. (Randy Lee)
Foliage:
A class of congressional pages. (Dan Ramish)
Gamma
ray: Norma's nana. (Phyllis Reinhard)
G-spot:
A mild reproach to a dog. (Duncan Seed)
Halitosis:
The disease your computer gets when it refuses to do what you want it to do.
(Bill Spencer, Baltimore)
Harlot:
Someone who'll laugh on and on at any stupid joke the boss makes. (Paul Kocak)
Hispanic:
What Lou Dobbs demonstrates every time he opens his mouth about immigration.
(Christopher Lamora)
Hoaxer:
Jack the Ripper. (Phyllis Reinhard)
Hootenannies
: A restaurant where all the waitresses are grandmas in tight T-shirts. (Mel
Loftus)
Hungarian:
Someone who's always on a diet. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)
Next Week: More of the
Same, or The Language Gone to H
Aw, Shoot! Photo Contest
No. 4
We're
still accepting entries for our photo contest to illustrate, humorously, any of
five captions we supplied. Deadline is Feb. 25; see the captions and the
contest rules here: Week 750.